One Obsession for Another? (Day 63)

An intriguing thought occurred to me today.  A question, really. As I'm sitting here trying to put my thoughts into some kind of coherent written form, I had to ask myself if I've been substituting one obsession for another.

To end up so overweight and so thoroughly out of shape is clearly the result of a food obsession that takes many forms. Research tells us that people who fight this battle don't look at food as a means to fuel our bodies.  We look at food as a way to medicate and bury emotions that we don't want to deal with.  We use food as a reward. We use food as a punishment. We use food as a form of rebellion. And we use food as a way to soothe our pain. When we're food obsessed, we spend an inordinate amount of time thinking about when we're going to eat, what we're going to eat, and fantasizing about the pure joy of it all. But then comes the inevitable guilt, the remorse, the self-loathing, and then the whole cycle begins again.

I don't need the research to convince me about this head game. I know that it's true.

I have an obsessive personality or I wouldn't be in this place. I'm still obsessive.  Just about something different.  Now I'm obsessed with weight loss, and blogging, and approval, and control, and with some image of "normal" that I have in my head.

I'm not sure what any of this means, but it's where my thoughts went tonight. I guess if I'm going to be obsessed, it's certainly better to be doing what I'm doing now rather than what I was doing before.

But what I really desire is balance. I desire to understand moderation. I desire to learn how to deal with my emotions in a productive way. I desire to learn how to think about food in a healthy way.

I know that there is a lot of hard work ahead. I believe more than ever that the battle is with myself. But I don't want to trade one obsession for another. I want to demonstrate resolve and determination and discipline.  I know...it's a fine line, and I don't think I'm explaining myself well, but I think it's a line none the less.

I'm coming to the conclusion that yes...it's about eating less and exercising more...but more than that, it's about working on the things in my head and my heart that got me here in the first place.

So today, I did very well with food, exercise, and water.  And the head stuff is a real work in progress!

Good night and God bless...