I Want to Be One of Those People (Day 78)

I have several people in my life who don't live for food.  They use food to live, but they don't live for food.

I know people who eat meals that consist of reasonable portion sizes, and they don't snack much between meals, if at all.  They simply don't think about food all day.  These are normal-size people who have never been overweight.

I've been studying these people lately. They enjoy the food they eat, but they're not obsessed with food. They don't use food as a substitute for love, or as a salve to make them feel better.  They don't eat as a way to handle their stress or anxiety or boredom.  They don't give food power over their lives in any way whatsoever.

It's possible to have that kind of relationship with food. I've seen it...I know it exists.

I'm developing that kind of relationship with food. I'm not using food as anything other than fuel for my body.  I'm enjoying what I eat, and my choices are healthy.  I simply have no desire to eat the way I did before. None. Not only have I not been even close to giving in to temptation, I simply haven't been tempted.

I can't explain this, except to say that I'm more convinced than ever that this struggle with food has always been in my head. The things that food used to be to me have been replaced by other things. They've been replaced by conversations, and relationships, and introspection, and self-evaluation, and a closer relationship with, and reliance on, my God.  

I was very saddened recently when I was reading someone's blog.  I don't even remember whose it was, and it wasn't even the blog post that bothered me...it was when I was reading the comments.  Two people who were commenting were in a dialogue about one of their friends. This friend must have posted something about her own weight-loss journey, and how she'd stayed on plan for over a year without cheating.  They pretty much called their friend a liar. 

I don't know the woman who made that claim.  I don't know if she was being honest or not.  But I do believe it's possible for me to keep doing what I'm doing until I get where I need to go.  I believe I can do it without eating carrot cake or chocolate chip cookies.  For me personally, and I'm only speaking for me, I haven't earned the right to have a piece of carrot cake.  The consequences for allowing myself to have such a colossally unhealthy relationship with food is that I can't have carrot cake until I undo the damage I've done.  And if and when I decide that I can have a piece of carrot cake, I'll have a reasonably-sized piece and be completely satisfied with that. I won't eat half the cake and then look around for what else I can binge on.

I'm being awfully cocky, right? When I fall, it's gonna be hard, right?  But how can I approach this any other way?  How can I give myself permission to be anything but disciplined and resolute?  I may have to eat these words at some point.  And if I have to, I will.  But I'm not expecting to do anything other than what I'm doing. 

There is no one waiting in the shadows to tie me down and shove food in my mouth. Because here's the ugly process.  I would have to think about some indulgence.  I would have to go to the kitchen and find it or make it. Or I would have to go to the drive-thru and buy it. I would have to pick it up. I would have to lift my arm. I would have to shove the food in my mouth. And then I'd have to do it again. At any number of places throughout this process is the opportunity for me to listen to the voice that wants me to be healthy. At any number of places throughout this process is the opportunity for me to stop.  I never used to listen to that voice before, but if I find myself in this position again, I plan to listen to it now.

I'll end this the way I started.  I know there are people who have a healthy relationship with food.  They use food to live, but they don't live for food.  I want to be one of those people. And why shouldn't it be me?

Good night and God bless...