The Year That Changed My Life (Day 170)

I've never been very big on new year's resolutions. I used to make them until even I knew better than to believe that I could really accomplish what I resolved to accomplish. I wasn't fooling anyone...especially not myself.

Most of my resolutions had to do with losing weight and getting healthy.  But my resolutions were never very resolute. To the contrary, I would rarely last beyond January 2nd before I determined that, "I'll just start on Monday." But after I don't know how many Mondays, I stopped fooling myself. I was going to have to be fat and happy.  That was the only way I was going to be happy, because I'd never be anything but fat.

But as much as I tried to convince myself, I was simply never going to be happy with the way I looked and the way I felt. I hated it. I hated worrying about chairs and restaurant booths and airplane seats and seat belts and amusement park rides.  I hated fat clothes and the fact that I could barely walk without becoming overwhelmingly breathless and sweaty. I hated it all.  I hated every bit of it.

But as much as I hated it, I felt completely powerless to do anything about it.  I used food to meet every single emotional need that I had. Food was the answer when I was happy, sad, anxious, angry, frustrated, celebratory, overwhelmed, scared, and the list goes on and on.  Food was my friend and food was my lover. I don't know when that happened.  But I know when it stopped. 

It stopped on July 14th of this year. I read Sean's story and somehow the light bulb went off. Something clicked in my brain. Slowly but surely, food became food and feelings became feelings.  The pounds came off and I felt better everyday.  And because I felt better everyday, the pounds came off.  It became a beautiful, vicious cycle.

I'm not finished yet.  I'm still becoming. In 2010 the metamorphosis began.  In 2011, I will achieve something I haven't achieved in more than 20 years.  I will be a normal, healthy weight. In late spring or early summer, I will wake up one day and I will not have to think about losing weight. 

I will have to continue eating good and healthy foods.  I will have to continue dealing with my feelings through conversation and introspection. I will have to continue to make good choices.  But I won't have to think about losing weight.

I lost another five lbs. in the last week.  Since July 14th, I've lost 75 lbs.

Happy New Year, everyone.  I wish you joy, and health, and happiness, and success, and love, and good choices in 2011.  I don't just wish it...I pray for it. I thank God for His love and His hand in my life.  I thank Him for my family and friends and for a husband I don't deserve. I thank Him for giving me the opportunity to right this ship, and to avoid the heart attack, diabetes, and hypertension that I sorely deserved.

So no resolutions for 2011.  Just more living and loving and trying to be everything that He made me to be.

Good night to all, and may God bless you.