Turning the Corner on Day 296

It's been a while since I've been on here.

Though the weight loss has slowed down, things are going well.  5 more lbs. gone since the last time I posted.  105 lbs. less of me. 

I'm not where I want to be just yet, but I feel like I've turned a corner.  I'm healthier than I've been in a very long time and that in itself makes every minute of this journey worth it.

I've not only lost 105 lbs., but I've gained more than the equivalent in terms of understanding who I am and what I'm capable of. I understand more deeply the God who loves me and wants the very best for me.

I don't know how many more pounds I want to lose. I know it will not be about a number on the scale.  That's why I've never posted on here what I weighed when I started, or what I weigh now.  Because it doesn't matter.

It will probably be around 20 more lbs., and then we'll see. I'm wearing many things now that are a size 14. I just bought biking shorts that are a size Medium, and they're perfect.

So for me, it will be more about how I look in my clothes and how I feel when I look in the mirror.  I will continue to have a "forever" relationship with my scale because it will help me keep from ever letting the pounds creep up again.  I will never let that happen, and the scale will help me stay healthy.

So my relationship with food remains stable.  I'm still hanging out at 1,200 calories.  I'm still focusing on eating fresh, healthy foods.  Those are the kinds of foods I actually crave.  And I crave water...bottle after bottle throughout the day. It's a beautiful thing.

This next season of my journey will be about exercise. About moving. About breathing. About doing physical activities that were absolutely impossible 8 or 9 months ago. That's not as easy for me as changing my relationship with food has been.  This will be more of a struggle.  But I'm looking forward to it.  I plan to embrace it.

I'll be on here more often as I make this transition. I will need to work things out in my head. 

I'll also be on here more because I have a very good friend who is at a crossroad, and I plan on being here to encourage him every step of the way.

I'm so thankful for my life. I thank God for my family and friends. I thank Him for His blessings and for the things He tries to teach me, even when the lessons are painful and uncomfortable.

Blessed Be Your name
When I'm found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed Be Your name

100 lbs. GONE!

Well, I've done it.  100 lbs. lost.  And truth be told, I'm excited about it, but I'm not as excited as I thought I'd be. I think my emotions are tied to the fact that I'm not done yet so I don't want it to feel like I am. And to the fact that it's getting more difficult to lose.

I actually hit this milestone last Saturday and then Bill and I immediately left for a race in Alabama and then a visit with my family in Arkansas.  We had a truly great and relaxed time.  I watched what I ate carefully but didn't count calories.  More like estimated, but I'm pretty sure I never went over 1,500 calories a day.

We're back home now and when I weighed in this morning I was happy to see that I maintained during our week away, especially since we literally spent 3 days in the car.

So here I sit today...100 lbs. lighter and 100 lbs. healthier than I was on July 14, 2010.

It's a tough thing to wrap my brain around.  I lost a small person! Which also accounts for my mixed emotions, I think.  I'm thrilled and proud of what I've accomplished so far, but I also have this nagging sense of shame that I can't quite kick related to how I let myself get so overweight and unhealthy in the first place.

People tell me I look like a different person. Which makes me happy and sad at the same time, if that makes sense.

But definitely more happy, so in the spirit of the milestone, here are some 100 lbs. lost observations.

• Every item of clothing in my closet right now was purchased in the "normal" section of the store. I no longer own ANY plus-size clothes. I'm even wearing a few items with this on the label: 12-14.  I think this particular manufacturer just wants ladies to feel good about themselves, but I'll take it!
  
• I am much more active in my everyday life. I couldn't walk from my car to my office before without getting winded and sweaty, and that was taking the elevator! Now I move at a quick pace and I take the stairs.  I get to my office and I'm still amazed...not sweaty...not short of breath...normal.
  
  Which reminds me, I got the BEST compliment from my friend, Haydn, recently.  I hadn't seen him in a while, but he made a point to stop by my office to see me.  He said he saw me walking in the parking lot from my car and he had to stop by. Essentially he said: "I saw you in the parking lot and I can certainly tell that you've lost weight.  You look fantastic, but what I noticed most is that you looked like you FEEL fantastic.  I'm so happy for you!"  It was simply the perfect thing to say to someone working her way through all the changes...someone embarrassed by what used to be.  
  
• I AM HEALTHY!!  Before I started this metamorphosis, it was scary how short of breath I'd become with very little exertion. I didn't tell anyone at the time, not even Bill, but I was also having chest pains and pounding headaches. I took my blood pressure one day and it was in the 170s over the 90s. I didn't go to the doctor's because I was scared and embarrassed. Stupid, I know. But I knew the first thing I'd be told was to lose weight and I felt like I didn't need anyone to tell me what I already knew. I'm not exaggerating when I say that I could be, and maybe should be, dead right now.
  
  I still haven't gotten over the doctor thing. I literally can't remember the last time I've been. Probably an ear infection years and years ago. The last time I saw a GYN was my follow-up visit after giving birth to Sierra. She turns 23 this year. Another embarrassing thing to admit. I made a vow to myself that I'll go for a checkup before the end of the year. I need to work my way up to it. But the good news is that I've been taking my blood pressure and it's been consistently in the 115 over 75 range! 

These are just a few observations that I have after losing 100 lbs. of me. There are more things rattling around in my brain.  It's all just pretty overwhelming.

The rest of this journey is going to be more difficult.  It already is.  Getting rid of the next 25 or so pounds is going to take much more work but I think I'm up to it.

I seriously thank God every day for the opportunity.

Errrrr... (Day 248)

Can't believe it's been two weeks since I've checked in.  Sheesh!

I'm having a bit of slow-down lately.  Just 2 lbs. gone since my last post.  So 95 lbs. to date.

Calories have been consistently between 1,200 and 1,500 each day.  But as always, I could definitely do better with exercise.

Time to shake things up a little, I think.

So that's the goal.  I'm gonna give myself 3 weeks to make the 100 lbs. lost mark...that's April 9th. 

I think that's going to mean a real concerted effort to move more. So that's the plan.

And then I think I'll want to lose around 25 more lbs. I'd love to be completely done by July 14th, exactly one year since I started. That would be very cool.

Not sure if that's too ambitious...it definitely is more difficult to lose the closer I get to my goal.  It's just not coming off as quickly.

But I'll shoot for it and we'll see what happens.

Hugs to all and God bless...

I Was Cake Boss on Day 235

I've been totally having a blast this weekend.  For valentine's day, I told Bill that I would be "Cake Boss" for him.  He loves his sweets, and we both love watching Buddy work his magic on Cake Boss. So I thought that would be a fun gift that he would really enjoy.

So determined not to put it off any longer, I made Bill's indycar cake this weekend.  And it pretty much took the whole weekend!  90% of the cake is actually edible. I used a metal rod for the axles and washers for the hubcaps. And some of the Chevrolet details are printed off the computer. Can't eat those.

But the rest is homemade cake, frosting, or modeling chocolate (which Bill tells me tastes like tootsie rolls!)  The car is carved out of pound cake, and the base is carrot cake, yellow cake, cream cheese frosting, and the filling is cream cheese, bananas, and pecans.

Bill's really happy and said the cake is delish, so that pretty much makes my day.

Now I need to do some ironing and get ready for a busy week.  Amy, the new hire in my department, starts tomorrow so there will be lots of training going on.  Then I leave Wednesday afternoon for a two-day conference in Granger, Indiana, which further complicates the week.

No problems with food...totally on track. (I didn't even lick my fingers during my baking adventure!)  A little lax with the water this weekend.  The benefit to that is I was able to sleep better without having to get up two or three times to run to the bathroom.  But I'll get back on track tomorrow.

When I weighed in on Friday, I lost another 2.5 lbs.  To date?  93 lbs. Good stuff!

Wishing you all an amazing week, friends!

Good night and God bless...

Week in Review on Day 227

Such a crazy busy week.  And it's not even over. So much still to do before services tonight. But just one more week until help arrives!  Amy, the new hire for my department, starts a week from Monday. Can't wait, but I hope she enjoys crazy!

Just a 1/2 pound loss this week. So 90.5 gone. When you're being really diligent it's hard not to be disappointed with that, but the scale can be fickle. It's most likely hormones since my erratic TOM hasn't made an appearance in nearly 3 months and is probably on the horizon.

But in the end, it doesn't really matter.  Because one of the things that I finally realized this week is that when I get to the point where I don't feel like I need to lose any more weight, my life won't really be that much different than it is right now.

I think I knew that. I know that the healthy choices have to remain for life.  But I think I still had it in the back of my mind that at the end of this quest for weight-loss would be something different.  But the truth is that unless I get crazy serious about exercise, the difference between calories for reasonable weight-loss and maintenance aren't all that far apart. 

I think that's why the stats for people regaining their lost weight plus interest are so very, very high. They work hard and arrive, but then they think they can eat like they really, truly want with no reprecussions.

But that's simply not true. For people who have been food obsessed, and who have used food as an emotional response and salve, there is simply no going back.

Because while there will come a time when I will be able to be more relaxed and less stringent, there really is no end to this journey.

That makes the 1/2 pound loss much easier to take.

Hope your weekend is amazing, relaxing, and full of life-affirming choices.

God bless you all...

Errands Galore on Days 220 & 221

Well it's been a pretty busy weekend. We had so many errands to run.  It seems like they must have been piling up.

So here's the run-down on our stops:  Aldi, Wal-Mart, Best Buy, J.C. Penny's, Sears, K-Mart, Menard's, the library, Michael's, and church.

That's some serious errand-running!! ;-)

Bill's outside right now trying to figure out what's wrong with the snowblower.  It wouldn't stay running the last time he used it, and it's supposed to do a little snowing here in Chicagoland tomorrow.  Today's just been rainy and gloomy.  The good news is February's almost over so there's light at the end of the tunnel!

So while he's out there being productive I decided to do some cooking for the week.  I just made him a batch of linguine, spinach & cheese tomato sauce, and garlic bread.  For me, I cooked herb & garlic chicken breasts...enough to last the week. That little bit of planning and preparation will make next week all the easier for us.

Food and water have been spot on, with everything logged in.  I've learned I still need to do the tracking thing.  Maybe not forever, but for now it gives me comfort. I'm just not confident enough yet to keep the calories from creeping up unless I'm pretty strict with myself.

The main thing I've learned along the way is that weight loss really doesn't have to be all that complicated. 

I set a calories per day limit in the range of 1,200 to 1,500, I drink in excess of 64 oz. of water, I avoid being a couch potato, I weigh-in once per week, and I do the introspective work necessary to figure out how I got this way in the first place so that I won't go back there again. 

That's pretty much the extent of my plan, and it works for me.      

Lots of walking this weekend with all our errands, and I'm feeling very spry. Bill's got very long legs that contribute to his 6' 4" height, so I used to really have to struggle to keep up with him, even though I'm pretty tall myself.  90 lbs. ago, keeping up was pretty hopeless.  He always had to slow down for me.

Yesterday there were actually a couple of times at the mall when I got ahead of him!  It felt so good that I wasn't being a limitation to him. That might be my very favorite part of the changes I've made.

Well, it's time to do a little relaxing before the weekend is completely over.  We never did make it over to the nursing home to see my aunt so that's on the schedule for tomorrow.

Wishing you all a good week...one that brings you closer to where you want to be.

Good night and God bless...

Weigh-in on Day 219

The scale was extremely friendly this morning.

A 3 lb. loss means I have lost 90 lbs. in the last 219 days.

So hard to believe.  It's like 7 months is too short a time for my head to keep up with the changes in my body.

Clothes continue to be an issue. It's a good problem to have. It's actually funny how I always hid behind tent-like clothes in the past, but now I want my clothes to fit. I'm buying a few things here and there but I don't want to spend much money on clothes I won't be keeping. A new wardrobe will be in my future sometime this year, though.

And then there's the skin situation. It actually feels wrong to complain about it. It's just a reality I'm going to have to accept. 

I've noticed an increasing amount of loose skin under my arms lately. I picked up some hand weights and am doing triceps exercises.  I'll definitely be able to build some muscle, but I've been told that inevitably the only way to get rid of the skin will be with surgery. 

I don't ever see myself spending money on cosmetic surgery.  So it's a tiny bit sad that even when I'm finished losing weight I probably won't be comfortable wearing a tank top. Again, it feels wrong to complain when I'm so much healthier.  What I'm experiencing now is the consequence for my own actions. It's a trade-off I'm happy to accept.

I won't accept it without a fight, though. I'm determined to figure out how to be as resolved about the whole exercise thing as I have been about getting control of my relationship with food. It won't eliminate the problem but I'm sure it will help.

Bottom line is we're all a work in progress. Physically, emotionally, relationally, spiritually. I have so much work to do.

Have a good weekend, friends.  Good night and God bless...