Obsession Redux

The longer I do this blogging thing the more I find myself looking back at where I've been to see if my perspective has changed, or if it's been reinforced.

Today I was thinking about obsession for some reason and I remembered a post from early in my journey.  I looked it up and found that it was from day 63.

An intriguing thought occurred to me today.  A question, really. As I'm sitting here trying to put my thoughts into some kind of coherent written form, I had to ask myself if I've been substituting one obsession for another.

To end up so overweight and so thoroughly out of shape is clearly the result of a food obsession that takes many forms. Research tells us that people who fight this battle don't look at food as a means to fuel our bodies.  We look at food as a way to medicate and bury emotions that we don't want to deal with.  We use food as a reward. We use food as a punishment. We use food as a form of rebellion. And we use food as a way to soothe our pain. When we're food obsessed, we spend an inordinate amount of time thinking about when we're going to eat, what we're going to eat, and fantasizing about the pure joy of it all. But then comes the inevitable guilt, the remorse, the self-loathing, and then the whole cycle begins again.

I don't need the research to convince me about this head game. I know that it's true.

I have an obsessive personality or I wouldn't be in this place. I'm still obsessive.  Just about something different.  Now I'm obsessed with weight loss, and blogging, and approval, and control, and with some image of "normal" that I have in my head.

I'm not sure what any of this means, but it's where my thoughts went tonight. I guess if I'm going to be obsessed, it's certainly better to be doing what I'm doing now rather than what I was doing before.

But what I really desire is balance. I desire to understand moderation. I desire to learn how to deal with my emotions in a productive way. I desire to learn how to think about food in a healthy way.

I know that there is a lot of hard work ahead. I believe more than ever that the battle is with myself. But I don't want to trade one obsession for another. I want to demonstrate resolve and determination and discipline.  I know...it's a fine line, and I don't think I'm explaining myself well, but I think it's a line none the less.

I'm coming to the conclusion that yes...it's about eating less and exercising more...but more than that, it's about working on the things in my head and my heart that got me here in the first place.

So today, I did very well with food, exercise, and water.  And the head stuff is a real work in progress!

In the 9 months that have gone by since I wrote this I do feel less obsessed and more balanced. I do feel like I'm actually learning how moderation works.  It makes me feel good to look back and see that my progress has been more than a smaller number on the scale.  It makes me think that maybe, just maybe, this is the real deal.

Praying for us, friends...that we are able to be strong and resolute, and to really believe that we're worth it.

Good night and God bless...